


Love you louder

by sauceracha



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Confessions, F/M, Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks, Reader-Insert, Sad with a Happy Ending, changbins just trying to help, gender neutral reader, toxic thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27256675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sauceracha/pseuds/sauceracha
Summary: Sometimes the thoughts get too loud.
Relationships: Seo Changbin/Reader
Kudos: 12





	Love you louder

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! 
> 
> This is just a reminder that this fic includes descriptions of a panic/anxiety attack and many self-destructive thoughts. Please if you feel like you might be triggered by themes, I recommend you avoid reading it. 
> 
> Stay safe! 
> 
> -besos :)

He shouldn’t have come. You knew, the moment he said he was coming over to take care of you, that it was a mistake. That calling him was a mistake. That no one could stop this. He should have stayed away. 

You tried convincing him, tried telling him that it wasn’t a big deal. But the moment Changbin heard your teary voice through the phone, he had already made up his mind. 

Half an hour later, he appeared on your doorstep, a bag of groceries in one hand and a friendly smile on his face. You tried to smile at him before, against all the voices screaming at you, letting him in. 

You knew that was your mistake.  _ Of course you knew, this is all your fault. _

It all started with three words : “I love you” 

The world stopped moving.

_ No, he doesn’t. _

“No, you don’t” You chuckled uncomfortably, eyes looking down to your hands. 

His expression fell for a second, before a changing back again. His eyes fixed on yours, grabbing your hands lovingly. “Yes, I do love you” 

_ He doesn’t love you.  _

You pulled your hands from his, like if they were burning you. “You don’t know what you are saying” Standing up suddenly, putting as much space as you could between you too.  _ He’s lying. _

“What?~ Y/n what’s going on? ” He stood up, trying to get closer, a worried look on his eyes. “Can we talk about this?” You could see the anguish in his expression as he tried to meet your eyes. 

_ He can’t love you. _

Why did he have to say that? You both were fine, just sitting on the couch, cuddling as you ate your way through all the snacks he had bought. You were actually starting to feel better. It had actually felt like letting him in would help. 

But things are never easy.  _ Not with you.  _

“Y-You need to leave... now” You kept looking at everything but him. Trying to keep the thoughts at bay, but you weren’t that strong. The same dark feelings that had been roaming your mind all day started murmuring again in your head.  _ You really think he can love you? You? You are nothing. He must be playing you. Who could love someone like you? You are disgusting, no one could ever love you. You don’t deserve love.  _

After what felt like hours, but it might have been just minutes, you looked up. Seeing Changbin looking at you with such a worried and scared gaze broke something inside you.  _ He has to leave.  _ “Why are you still here? Changbin, leave” 

He looked at you surprised that you even spoke to him. He saw the way your whole demeanor changed. He felt how you were starting to pull away from him, closing your walls and leaving him out. He knew he couldn’t let you close up. “No, I won’t.” His voice tried cutting its way towards you. “Let’s talk about this” 

_ Why is he doing this? _

“Don’t you understand? I want to be alone”  _ LEAVE!  _

“No~” Changbin’s voice was as firm as his posture. ”~you are just trying to push me away but I won’t leave you. Not like this...” His dark eyes fixed on you, back straight, feet planted firmly on the floor. With his muscles tensed, his body looked ready to give a fight but his eyes held the same tenderness they always did when looking at you. 

_ He doesn’t love you! _

Coming from deep inside you, a sudden rage filled your veins. Dark, fast, and hot. Unshed tears clouded your sight. Hands tensing.  _ Fucking liar, leave already! _

Your whole body started trembling as you moved towards him. “Don’t you get it?! I don’t feel nothing for you! Get it through your thick skull and leave already!” Your hands pushed him back, hard. Some tears escaped your eyes as you watched him stumble a few steps back but still stood straight again. His determination was not wavering as he looked back at you. 

“No”  _ Why?! _ “You are lying, this is not you, and I won’t  _ leave _ ” His worried eyes tried to meet yours. 

“Fucking asshole! Why are you doing this?! I don’t love you! I want you gone!” Your voice quivered. Every breath started to feel like there were a thousand needles inside your lungs. Your whole body trembled. Your fists tighten, your nails piercing the skin of your palms as you tried to hold yourself together.

“y/n~” his whole demeanour flaked as he watched you break down right in front of him. He took a step forward, reaching out to you. You suddenly turned, stepping back from him.

“No! Shut up!”  _ Lies!  _ All the voices in your head started screaming.  _ Everything is a lie!  _ You could feel the dark thoughts climbing up to the surface. _ You know how this ends.  _ All your insecurities were filling you up, drowning your heart.  _ He’s lying.  _ Tears were spilling down your cheeks. _ He doesn’t love you.  _ You gripped your hair in both your hands, trying to turn the voices down.  _ Nobody loves you.  _ “Nobody loves me…” your voice just above a whisper.  _ He is lying. He doesn’t love you. He can’t love you. He’ll leave. Everyone leaves. _

Changbin’s mind was running a hundred miles per second, he felt useless. Just watching you break down in front of his eyes. He saw the tears running down your face, the way your whole body shaked, how your eyes were unfocused, like if you weren’t with him right then. He could almost see the pieces of yourself shattering to the grown and he didn’t know what to do. He needed to do something. 

“y/n…” He tried to be as soft as he could, his voice just a murmur as he slowly made his way towards you. “~please… l-let me help you.” He tried to keep the pain out of his voice. Tried to keep the tears at bay behind his eyes. As much as he tried, Changbin wasn’t a great actor and you knew him so well.

_ You did that to him, he’s in pain because of you. _

“I can’t Changbin… y-you need to leave, I-I can’t do this to you. I-I can’t, I’m sorry~” your voice started getting frantic as you realized that. Your eyes locked with his teary ones. You could see the pain and worry reflected on them.  _ You hurt him.  _ ”I’m s-so sorry, I never meant to~ I can’t, Changbin I’m sorry. I never meant to do this to you. Y-you don’t deserve this. I-I’m so s-sorry~" You kept looking at him, ashamed and scared of what you were doing to him. The shaking started getting worse, tears falling harder. He needed to know, he needed to know you didn’t want to hurt him.  _ You only hurt people. That’s the only thing you are good at. _

He saw it coming, the way your voice softened and your hands lost their grip. He rushed to you as your legs gave up, making you tumble to the floor. He held you tightly, breaking your fall as much as he could, sitting down on the floor with you. His arms wrapped around you, as he softly tried to calm you down.You could feel the tension emanating from his body. Could feel the slight tremors running down his body.  _ Broken, you broke him. _

It was as if he could hear the sounds running through your mind. His arms slowly pulled you on his lap, hands guiding your head to rest over his chest. “It’s okay, I won’t leave. It’s okay, I’ll stay here” His voice was as firm as he could manage, yet gentle, as if he was trying not to break the sudden calmness inside you. Your tears kept falling down, your body still trembled, but it started feeling as if your mind was listening to him. Just focusing on his words. “I’m choosing to stay right here, with you. I won’t leave, it’s okay. We are okay, y/n...” 

_ No, he’ll leave! Everyone does! Cause you ruin everything, everything you touch! You can’t be loved. No one should love you!  _ You felt the same dark feeling tightening around your heart. Your mind denying every single word that slipped past his lips. “N-No one can love me Changbin, I’m too… I’m…” 

_ Bad.  _

_ Insignificant.  _

_ Forgettable.  _

_ Broken. _

_ Lost.  _

_ Unlovable. _

Before you could continue, he gripped your chin making you look into his eyes, interrupting anything that was running through your mind. “I can love you” His voice, firm and sure, and just as his eyes, full of determination. “I’ll show you, you can be loved. I’ll love you when you can’t love yourself~” He kisses your forehead softly as he hugs you closer, as if he was trying to hide you from the darkness surrounding you. Resting his chin over your head, his eyes closing tight, trying hard to keep his tears back. “~I’ll love you so loudly, you won’t hear the hating voices in your head. I’ll love you so profusely that there’s no room for your emptiness. I’ll love you so strongly, your scars won’t open. I’ll love you so much, I’ll end up teaching you how to love yourself.” 

A spark ignited in the darkness.

The coldness was still attached to your heart, but it’s grip slipping ever so slightly.

_ Maybe… _

“W-what if you can’t… fix me?” You were silent for so long, your voice such a soft murmur, so soft you weren’t sure if it wasn’t just a thought. Changbin’s hand caressed your back slowly as he answered.

“I won’t try to fix you. I’ll just love you long enough, that you’ll be able to heal yourself.” Silence filled up the room as Changbin held you. Every toxic thought slowly dissipating in the warmth of his arms and the lullaby of his heart beating just under your ear. Eyes closed, your heart slowly started calming. Your whole body melts against the man who held you. 

Seconds, minutes, hours might have passed…

“Bin?…” you heard him make a soft noise, just enough for you to know he was listening. You knew this isn’t the end of this, that this is just a moment of peace in the middle of a storm and that you still have the voices, the thoughts and that even if they now are silent, they are there. They will come back and drown you again. But maybe you didn’t need to fight them on your own. “~please, don’t leave” 

“Never, I swear”  _ Good. _


End file.
